i had a health check today (blood work, urine and vitals) for my life insurance. the person who performed the tests commented i must be a really relaxed person, because my heart rate and blood pressure is really good.

but underneath it all, i don't feel relaxed. i feel annoyed, tense, bitter and angry. all that mixed into one ball of emotions which i suppose could be called angst. i'm taking supplements to sleep better (ZMA rocks btw. totally works).

i feel stupid for having all that harbored in me. as much as i know i should let go, i still keep hanging onto it. it's almost like i'm hanging on because i believe that there's nothing else if i let it go. or maybe i've just become so accustomed to feeling this way.

how stupid could i be, a simpleton could see that you're no good for me

I had to drop off some stuff for my sister, so i went by her apartment on the way home. It was around 930pm and i was waiting inside my car by the back entrance of her place which was dimly lit, so it was pretty dark. just as i pulled up, i noticed a man kind of looking at me/my car, and he started walking towards me. I drove the car forwards past him a bit and locked my doors. Then i see in the mirror that he's walking back towards my car and tried to open the door. he knocks on the window and i opened a slit to talk to him.

"did i chat with you on bareback.com?"
"no"

* close window *

it looked like he was hooking up for a casual encounter he had set up online. the meeting place was super sketchy because it's behind some building. I'm still not sure if he just randomly tried to get in or if in fact was looking for someone to meet him there.

some info i had to look up , what is bareback?
originally it just means unprotected sex, but i think it is usually used in a a homosexual context. 
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bareback_(sex)

"The resurgence of barebacking in first-world gay communities during the 1990s has been a frequent topic for gay columnists and editorialists in The Advocate, Genre magazine, and Out magazine.^{[2][citation needed]} An article in the online resource The Body lists no fewer than 22 reasons as to why barebacking has become increasingly acceptable in the gay community."

Bareback gay pornography used to be available only in older, so-called "pre-condom" films from the 1970s and early 1980s. But since the 1990s, an increasing number of studios have been devoted to the production of new films featuring men engaging in unsafe sex.


random Glatiator quote that popped into my head:
Proximo: Those giraffes you sold me, they won't mate. They just walk around, eating, and not mating. You sold me... queer giraffes. I want my money back.

a few weeks ago (last UFC fight)  i was at a dinner party where I met 3 high school teachers , 2 of them teaching in the brampton region. they were sharing how brown is the new black in brampton and that a lot of their students are opting to get a job to buy fancy jeans rather than studying. the youths are buying into the thug life/bling bling culture in rap song.


fast forward to yestrday, mass shooting at a US military base. we find out that it's a brown guy who shot people up and islamic groups are coming to denounce any associations between the sohoting an islam.
i remember (i think it was ) chappelle had a joke about how when there's a headline in the news about a violent crime, black people everywhere cross their fingers and pray it's not a black guy.  it looks like the tables have turned ever since 911, and brown people are the targets in america. i wouldn't be surprised if there's some sort of shooting spree in america, american muslims would keep their fingers crossed that it's not a brown guy (muslim or not).



"An imam from a mosque Hasan regularly attended said Hasan, a lifelong Muslim, was a committed soldier, gave no sign of extremist beliefs and regularly wore his uniform at prayers.

Soldiers who witnessed the rampage reported that the gunman shouted "Allahu Akbar!" – an Arabic phrase for "God is great!'' – before opening fire, said Lt. Gen. Robert Cone, the base commander. He said officials had not yet confirmed that Hasan made the comment before the shooting spree."

just like how if there's a beheading , asians everywhere pray that it won't be an asian male.

We discussed about struggling with God vs hanging onto God in Sunday school today, (genesis 32: jacob's wrestle match with God) and i thought maybe this perspective is very fitting for my my failed romantic endeavors. they are like the limp that jacob walks with, a constant reminder of one's limits.

what if that scar is too much for someone? but i guess that would go against the paradigm of god not imposing tests that are beyond what the individual can handle.

hmm

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there's a new magic bullet product out. the magic bullet express. it looks pretty insane in terms of what it can do.

i'm torn about the usage of this word because it's so popular in rap culture, and the kids (black or white) at squads say it sometimes. but here's the thing: we tell them not to say it, even though they don't mean it as an offensive word.

The whole pop culture has dis-empowered the word from its racial hostility, and turned it into a term of endearment.

case in point



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10 bucks says the boy uses the n word all day errday.


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another thing i don't get
non religious people who want a church wedding, with a pastor and all.